You Might Be a Facebookaholic if …

You print out your News Feed to read at breakfast every morning

You are in the “Biggest Facebook Group Ever” group

You list Facebook groups that you started on your resume

You have sent out so many Facebook messages that you receive this warning:

You upload photo albums of a party … while you’re still at the party

You scour your friends’ photo albums seeking to tag anyone (including inanimate objects) that may have been overlooked

You use Facebook mobile to provide real-time updates of your status throughout the day

You have racked up a $50 credit card bill from purchasing so many Facebook gifts

You follow self-imposed Facebook rules or etiquette such as “I don’t friend first”

You read blogs about Facebook (whoops!)

Please post your own under Comments and I’ll add the best ones!

Is Zuckerberg Nothing But a Big Phony?

Zuckerberg’s been a naughty boy again. Bloomberg reports that our old friend and founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, may not be the goody two-shoes computer geek we’ve all come to know and love, as the U.S. Court of Appeals in Boston has ruled that Zuckerberg must defend against a lawsuit that accuses him of stealing computer code from ConnectU.

The plaintiffs in the case founded a social networking site called HarvardConnection back in 2003 before changing the name to ConnectU, and they claimed to have hired Zuckerberg as a programmer in late 2003 who neglected his nerd duties, presumably to work on Facebook, which he launched in February 2004. We are proud to announce that we have uncovered the secret to becoming a billionaire:

1. Go to Harvard

2. Steal computer code

3. Drop out of Harvard and start a tech company

4. Pet your kitten with a shit-eating grin on your face while you rake in the dough

5. Use your wads of cash to hire a better lawyer than the kids you stole the code from and win the lawsuit

Does this sound familiar (ahem, Bill Gates cough cough)? It’s ironic that Microsoft purchased a 1.6% stake in Facebook for $240 million last year. Hopefully, Zuckerberg will extend the favor to the next Harvard dropout with some stolen computer code. It would only be fair.

Courtesy of DavidMarcus.net

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Security Lapse Exposes Facebook Photos

The Canadians have invaded Facebook! The Associate Press reports that Byron Ng (is that a real name?) exploited a loophole in Facebook’s newly launched upgrade to its privacy controls, which were ironically intended to enhance privacy options, allowing him to view Facebookers’ private photo albums. Really, a Canadian? I thought all they were good for was cheap prescription drugs, eh? The only consolation for Facebook users is that MySpace succumbed to a similar security breach first. Byron apparently even came across “private pictures of Paris Hilton at the Emmy awards and of her brother Nicholas drinking a beer with friends.” Gasp! He saw private photos of Paris Hilton? He could make a fortune selling those. Too bad Rick Solomon already beat Ng to it. I’ve got news for you, Byron, there are way better photos and videos of Paris floating around on the internet for everyone to see. If you’re going to take the time to hack into Facebook at least get some private pics we haven’t seen, like Vanessa Hudgens or Audrina Partridge from The Hills, oh wait! This intrusion into Facebooker’s privacy everywhere begs the question: Will Facebook strengthen its defenses and remain the leading safe haven for posting photos involving underage drinking, illegal drug usage, and slutty Halloween costumes, or will a new social networking site rise to the challenge? We’ll keep you posted.

 

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Facebook Faker Receives Royal Pardon

Although he was eventually pardoned after creating a fake Facebook profile of Moroccan prince, I am glad to see someone is finally cracking down on Facebook Posers, who set up a profile in someone else’s name and pretend to be them. It is such a heart wrenching feeling when Hayden Panettiere, the Olsen twins, or Santa Claus finally accepts your long awaited pending friendship request, only for you to find out they were a big phony the whole time. This is identity theft in its most malicious form, and I am glad an upstanding country in the international community like Morocco has finally taken a stand. Three years in a Moroccan prison would have been a small price to pay for the emotional toll these “Facebook Fakers” exact on their unsuspecting victims. I call upon the Bush Administration to follow suit and send any Facebook Fakers to Guantanamo where they should be waterboarded repeatedly, subjected to severe Facebook deprivation, and forced to join MySpace.

 

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Prostitutes, Pornstars, and Politicians, Oh My(Space)!

MySpace has reaffirmed its status as the prostitutes’ #1 social networking site of choice as the now former NY Governor Eliot Spitzer’s three diamond call girl, Ashley Dupre, has chosen to flaunt her assets on MySpace.

All young girls out there, take note, as Ashley has clearly found the secret to success. Sleep with a high profile politician, write a crappy Britney Spears-like song about it, and post the song on your MySpace page. Voila, you’re an overnight celebrity, raking in $200,000 on your songs in 48 hours and receiving million dollar offers to pose nude from all the upstanding magazines like Hustler and Penthouse. Talk about making your mother proud, and it wouldn’t be possible without MySpace’s god awful ability to post songs to your profile. Thanks MySpace. Now I’m gonna go log back onto Facebook because that’s where the seven diamond call girls like my current girl Maya rolls. She charges $3,100 a poke.

 

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